I pride myself in having a fairly large vocabulary. However, while interacting with my toddler, I realize that most of my verbal communication with him, comprises of just three words/phrases –
STOP!
DON’T DO THAT!
NO!
So much so that NO will almost qualify as a reflex action at this point.
D : Hey Mom, Can I..?
Me: Nope.
D : Hey Mom..
Me: Not now, later.
At the time, I just attributed it to being busy, and not having the time or the energy to deal with it. But, some months back, I made a conscious decision to cut down the negative reinforcements and increase the positive ones.
I decided to read up on it, and in the process gained an interesting insight from an article by a child psychologist, which I want to share. The article that I came across discussed how true encouraging words focus on the deed as much as the doer. This is important to build confidence, and motivate a child from the inside to demonstrate similar positive behavior in the future.
I always used words of appreciation pretty generously to reward positive behavior. The most common ones being –
- Wow! Good Job!
- Such a Good Boy!
- Proud of You!
The article encourages us to replace the above three (which focuses on the doer alone) with the following (which focuses on the doer and the deed) *
- Look at your improvement. You really did a good job!
- Thanks for helping me clean up. Such a good boy!
- That was a tough one, but you figured it out. Proud of you!
*The concept was discussed in the article, but the examples are my own. They are based on what I use on a daily basis. So it is just my interpretation of the idea. Please do let me know if you have any additional insights. Parenting, at its best is a work-in-progress. Hence all comments/suggestions are welcome and very much appreciated.
*This post is written for the AtoZChallenge.
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Parul
That’s a great advise.. As with adults, a little pat on the back works wonders for kids. 🙂
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Shanaya Tales
I agree. Works with adults and kids alike. We just need to remind ourselves that every now and then. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Mee Magnum
So true! And they say, name your child a name YOU really like. Because you’re going to be shouting it. A lot!!
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Shanaya Tales
Hahahaha..yeah we all have those days. 😛 Thankfully I picked a name I REALLY like 😉
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Sundari Venkatraman
Awesome post Shantala! You learnt at the right time. Your kid is lucky! We parents learn on the go, there is no school to teach parenting. I was lucky – or should I say my children’s luck changed when I attended a class on mothering and that helped me handle them positively and accept them for exactly what they are – individuals with separate personalities. And thank God for a supportive husband. Neither of them follow what is considered “norm” in this society. What I mean is – they are neither of them a doctor or an engineer 😉
Shanaya Tales
Thank you so much, Sundari. Your kids are lucky to have parents like you who let them be themselves and gave them freedom to choose their paths. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Geets
Neither a parent, nor ready to be one as of now Shanaya :P, but your post was truly interesting..
Keep writing..
Cheers
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Shanaya Tales
Thank you Geets. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
Specific praise is so very important. And focusing on effort than outcome. It’s so easy to yell and put down but so much harder to build kids up.
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Shanaya Tales
Very true. General platitudes don’t work with kids or adults. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Sanch @ Living my Imperfect Life
Specific praise is so very important. And focusing on effort than outcome. It’s so easy to yell and put down but so much harder to build kids up.
G Angela
So true, most of the time we were told not to appreciate children directly, as they will sit on our heads with pride, and may become over confident(its an old school of thought) today I agree that it is important to appreciate children and let them know how precious and special they are, loved the quote and thanks for sharing…
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Shanaya Tales
I agree. Positive re-inforcement is extremely important for kids. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Leo
Yes. It’s always nice to be positive. It leaves its mark on the child too. Nice thoughts!
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Shanaya Tales
Thank you. Glad you liked it. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Swathi Shenoy
A word of encouragement can sometime mean so much to people, right? Positivity helps a lot always 🙂
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Shanaya Tales
I agree. A little encouragement works wonders for kids and adults alike. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Shali Jay
good one
Shanaya Tales
Thanks 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Prasanna
This is a very useful post. Small kids are so enthusiastic to learn new things and a few words of encouragement, can help boost their morale.
Shanaya Tales
I agree. Some words of praise and encouragement can work wonders for their morale. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Lata
Its a great post. Let me put it to more practical use for my children.
Shanaya Tales
Thanks Lata. Glad you liked it. 🙂
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Sulekha
Children emulate us and are always watching 🙂 Positive responses make them feel good and they strive to do better.
Shanaya Tales
Completely agree. They will emulate the good as well as the bad. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Rajlakshmi
My parents have always been encouraging and supporting. A reason why my siblings and I grew up confident. As I read your post, I could see how words could leave a permanent impact on children.
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Shanaya Tales
Yeah parents do play an important role in how the personalities of their kids shape up. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Suzy
I agree with you, positive reinforcement rather than punishment works wonders on children. My son went through a stage of eating poorly, Rather than yelling at him, each time he ate well he got a sticker and each time he filled up a page of stickers he got to spend $5 on a toy. After a while eating well and good food became a habit. Good post.
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Shanaya Tales
Oh that is such an helpful idea, Suzy. I might need to apply it for potty training. It is a struggle as of now. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
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Nisha Sanjeev
Agree Shantala…In fact , it is said when we caution a child the chances of him/her messing up is more. For instance, if a toddler volunteers to keep a glass of water on the table, and we say, ‘oh be careful’; ‘walk slow’…. Our words will sure distract them and and affect their confidence. And 8 out of 10 they will drop the glass. Else they pretty make it!
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Shanaya Tales
Yes that is very true. I have noticed that whenever I have said ‘Don’t Fall’, more often than not he stumbles over. I have just replaced it with ‘You can do it’. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z
Eli
I agree, always focus on the positive:-) and true easier to build a child than repairing an adult. Good role models are important. Treat others like you want to be treated and show that to yourkid also. Great post today:-)
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Shanaya Tales
Thank you so much, Eli. Glad you liked it. 🙂
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Pooja Sharma Rao
Parenting is such a great unlearning experience, sane advice.
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Shanaya Tales
Very true. We need to unlearn a lot of things, to learn to parent as best as we can. Thanks for stopping by, Pooja. 🙂
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elly stornebrink
Great advice Shanaya and how true that words are powerful and help to build confidence or otherwise. <3 I also have heard that if you have a "not" in a sentence the mind doesn't hear that thus, "Please don't touch that" becomes "Please touch that." 😉 For example, whatever you do, don't think of a pink elephant! What does your mind imagine? …. 😉
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Shanaya Tales
That is such an apt example, Elly. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
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Ruchi Singh
Totally agree with it. Positivity reinforces positivity.
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Shanaya Tales
Very true. Thanks for stopping by, Ruchi. 🙂
Shanaya Tales recently posted…Encouraging Phrases for Kids #AtoZChallenge 2015 @AprilA2Z